7 Ways We Fail to See Each Other

And The Simple Shifts to Reconnect

Have you ever felt that?

Surrounded by people, but somehow still unseen.

I’ve been reading David Brooks’ How to Really Know a Person, and the timing feels almost too perfect as I launch Defining Sonder.

On the surface, “seeing” someone seems so simple…open your eyes, look their way, and there they are. But it’s not that easy, because we are all moving through life with blinders on.

Brooks calls these blinders diminishers. I like to think of them as wake-up calls. 

It turns out, our brains take in around 11 million bits of information every second (which is actually insane). And yet, we can only consciously process about 40 of them.  

To survive, our brains cut corners. We rely on shortcuts and biases. It keeps us moving, but in the process, we often stop seeing the actual human beings in front of us.

Here are seven ways we fail to see people, and one thing you can try right now to notice more deeply

1. Egotism: When Curiosity Dies in the Mirror

We often miss people because we’re too wrapped up in ourselves. Psychologists call this egocentric bias.

I’ve caught myself pretending to listen while secretly waiting for my turn to speak. I'm sure you’ve done it too. But research shows ego and curiosity can’t coexist.

The moment we stop rehearsing our rebuttal and actually listen, our brain shifts into theory of mind—imagining what someone else is thinking or feeling. And that’s where empathy lives.

Try this: Next time you’re in a conversation, notice if you’re rehearsing what you’ll say instead of listening. Catch yourself. Pause. Instead of offering your perspective.. ask them one more follow-up question to go a little deeper.

2. Anxiety: When Inner Noise Drowns Them Out

Fear is one of the biggest enemies of connection.

When anxiety takes over, it hijacks the amygdala—our brain’s alarm system—and floods us with signals that make us feel like we’re under attack, even when we’re not.

For me, it sounds like:

• Do I sound dumb?

• Do they like me?

• Can they tell I don’t know what I’m talking about?

That inner noise gets so loud, I stop hearing the person in front of me.

One thing that’s helped is recording myself when I present. In the moment, my brain feels panicked, convinced I’m fumbling. But when I watch it back later, I realize… it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought.

This proves (to me at least) that the gap between perception and reality is huge.

Try this: When anxiety spikes, shift your focus outward. What’s one detail about the person in front of you that you haven’t noticed yet?

3. Naïve Realism: Believing My Reality = The Reality

Remember that viral dress - was it blue and black, or white and gold?

Whatever color you're set on... that's naïve realism in action. You're assuming what you see is what’s real, and therefore that's what everyone else sees too. But cognitive psychology shows that each of our brains constructs its own version of reality.

This means - disagreements don’t always mean someone is wrong. Sometimes, it just means they’re looking at the same thing from a different perspective.

Try this: Instead of arguing about, “Who’s right?” try asking, “What do you see from your side?”

4. The Lesser-Minds Problem: Thinking I’m Deeper Than You

I live with my contradictions, fears, and endless inner thoughts. But when I look at you, I can only see your surface. That gap tricks me into believing I’m more complex than you.

Psychologists call this the introspection illusion. But neuroscience reminds us that every human brain generates tens of thousands of thoughts a day. That means, nobody on this earth is simple. We’re all carrying our own storms inside.

Try this: Assume the stranger across from you has an inner world just as vivid and complicated as yours. Because they do.

5. Objectivism: When People Become Numbers

I’ve spent years staring at charts, falling in love with patterns. There’s beauty in the big picture. but there’s also danger when we only see the group...the individual disappears.

Neuroscience calls it cognitive economizing - cutting corners to save energy. It’s useful, but it flattens people into categories. And when that happens, empathy fades.

That’s one of the reasons I started Defining Sonder. To remind myself (and you) that every dot on a chart is a whole, unpredictable life.

Try this: The next time you say “those people,” stop. Pick one. Ask: What’s her story?

6. Essentialism: The Box That Shrinks Us

Our brains love categories. It kept our ancestors alive. But today, it traps us.

Essentialism says the group defines the person. Men are like this. Women are like that. Your skin, your pronouns, your job title—that’s all you are.

I’ve felt this. Reduced to my gender. My sexuality. My job title. Each time, it was like someone pressed me flat, stripping away the messy, complicated parts of me. And maybe you’ve felt that too.

The truth is…no one fits neatly into a box. We are contradictions. We are paradoxes. We are more than categories.

Try this: Ask someone, “What’s one assumption people make about you that isn’t true?” 

7. The Static Mindset: Freezing People in the Past

Since moving back to my hometown, it feels like people still see me as the “old Dre.” Social psychology calls this the stability bias, where we overestimate how static people are.

But neuroscience says otherwise. Our brains are constantly rewriting our self-narrative. We’re always changing, always becoming.

Try this: Think of one person you’ve frozen in the past. What’s changed about them that you haven’t acknowledged?

The Hardest of All Hard Problems

David Brooks writes: “Each person is a fathomless mystery, and you have only an outside view of who they are.”

I love that line because it’s true. We can never fully see another person. But maybe the point isn’t perfection. Maybe the point is to just show up.

To keep asking the hard questions, the silly ones, the obvious ones. To ask again, to ask differently, to stay curious even when it feels uncomfortable.

Because seeing someone fully isn’t about getting it right. It’s about paying attention.

Here's a challenge this week: pick one person - a stranger, a friend, a partner. Ask them something you’ve never asked before. Then stop talking and really listen.

If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few questions that can open a door:

• What’s something people often assume about you that isn’t true?

• What’s a small moment from your childhood that shaped who you are today?

• What’s the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?

• What’s a fear you don’t usually talk about?

• What’s a question you wish more people would ask you?

Notice what you learn. Notice what shifts.

That’s where sonder begins.

With love, 

Dre